Reflections

Anyone who reads my Facebook posts knows that last week was rough for me. And anyone who knows me personally knows I'm kind of in my head a lot. So of course, my rough week got me thinking about my life. I never question whether I made the right decision to stay home with the kids. Even on days that they drive me insane, or days that I wish I was out of the house and away from them (and yes, I admit to having those days), even on days that I’m completely exhausted and burned out and don’t feel like I have much more to give...I know I made the right decision. I also know I'd be feeling that way if I worked outside the home, only I would be with them less.

These thoughts lead me back to my hospice days and the lessons I learned from the dying people I met there. I don’t know how many patients I saw over the years, hundreds, no doubt. Out of all the patients I spoke to, not a single one of them wished that they had worked more or stressed more. Not one. The things I heard most often was, “I wish I had spent more time with my family” and “I wish I hadn’t worried about the little stuff.”

I work hard to make that a lesson for my life. I’m learning not to sweat the small stuff. I let a lot of things go that used to bother me. Now I realize they don’t matter. I work hard to treat people with kindness and make the mark I leave on the world a good one. I try hard not to judge others, especially when I have no clue what’s really going on in their lives, which is usually the case. These beliefs are so important to me and I hope to pass them down to my children. I heard a song lyric that spoke to me recently “It’s so easy to laugh, It’s so easy to hate, It takes guts to be gentle and kind.” I want my children to learn that being gentle and kind does take guts, and it doesn't mean you must be a doormat. You can be strong and gentle and kind. It's taken me years to figure that out.

Along the way I've also learned that the time I give my family is what is important. This time I have with my babies is something I will never get back. I don’t have to give them expensive clothes, mountains of toys, or fancy trips (even if in their childhood states they think that’s what they need). Yes I could go back to work and have more money to buy such things, but really that’s not what’s best for them and I know it. That isn’t love. I so desperately want them to understand things aren’t love. I haven’t yet figured out how to teach them that, but I’m working on it.

So even when I have to vent and let off some steam and get out of the house, I’m still cherishing every moment I have with my husband and our children. I’m still thinking about what I so often heard, “I wish I had spent more time with my family” and “I wish I hadn’t worried about the little stuff.” 

I am a 32 year old work-in-progress. I hope in 50 years (or 60 - dream big, right?) when my time comes I can say, “I’m thankful for the time I spent with my family and glad I was able to focus on what really mattered.”

Slow Weight Gain

Here I am again. I took m in for his 9 month appointment today.  At his last appointment the doctor mentioned that his weight gain was slowing but she wasn't too concerned.  She said we would address it at his 9 month appointment if we needed to. In my heart I knew he hasn't been growing. I mentioned it to my parents and they said it's hard to notice when you see the kids all day everyday.

I was right though.  They measured him first.  It took a couple of tries because he was fighting it a lot. The first try was actually shorter than he was 3 months ago.  She tried again and got  a better result.  Then they weighted him.  I remembered at his last appointment he was almost 16lbs.  Today he was 16lbs, 12oz.  In 3 months he hadn't even gained a pound.  :(

When the doctor came in she showed me that m is in the 2nd percentile for weight.  It felt like deja vu.  Madelynn was in the 1st percentile for a while when she was a baby. Then she showed me his height.  He hadn't even grown an inch. :(  That was something I wasn't used to because even when Madelynn was not gaining weight, she was at least still growing.

The only part of Mason that continues to grow well is his head circumference. The doctor explained that the fact that his length is poor is of more concern that if it were just his weight.  She said the body protects the head. The body will make sure the brain gets the nutrients at the expense of first the weight, then the height.

 He also had his iron checked and while it's within the normal range, it's just barely normal. She said while he's clearly not malnourished and he's meeting all his milestones, she still suggested supplementing with formula once a day. She said let him have as much as he wants (whether it's 4oz or 8oz, doesn't matter). We will have to return in 6 weeks for a weight check.

I have mixed feelings about it.  It's only 3 more months until he's a year.  I hate the idea of having to supplement now.  But, I certainly want him to be healthy. So, I tried to give him a little formula today. No luck.  He HATED it! I did manage to get an ounce into him at least.

So now for what to do.  The doctor said it's not too uncommon for this to happen at his age because sometimes breastmilk can start to lose nutrients after a long time of breastfeeding (she does want me to continue though). However, everything I have read says otherwise. What I've read is that breastmilk becomes more nutrient rich because babies begin to take less and less of it after solids are introduced.  Also, what I have read says that if a baby is not gaining weight well after solids are introduced you should back off the solids and offer more breastmilk.

My challenge is that m loves solids.  I feed him solids AFTER I nurse him and he still takes a lot of solids.  I don't know if that means my milk isn't actually nutrient rich or if he's not eating enough breastmilk and he's just waiting for the solids.

So now I've got to figure out what to do. Offer formula (if he will even take it) or less solids and more breastmilk? Guess I've got a lot to think about.

Getting Organize & Going Paper-free

I am so sick of paper. That is one of our biggest challenges to keeping the house clutter free. Paper, paper, paper! Mail seems to be the biggest problem. It stacks up quickly. Since we don't have a good filing system, it just seems to lay around the house until I finally clean and throw it into a bag with the intention of sorting it and filing it when I get a chance (and think of somewhere to put it).

In the past I made a meager effort at organization. I tried to use a canvas wall organizer that we bought when we first moved it (nearly 10 months ago). But I didn't give it enough thought and energy. Until recently it has been hanging on the wall and gathering whatever items we haphazardly threw in. As expected, Steve and I thought different pockets were holding different groups of papers. Things were mixed up and misplaced. We both ended up frustrated.

All of that is about to change! I have labeled each pocket with three different categories: Action Items, Scan, and Shred.

I may need to rearrange the scan/shred pockets. Not sure yet.

Near the organizer I placed a cardboard box to hold recyclable papers.

Left = One of many bags of paper to sort! Right = Recycle

Now as soon as mail comes in it is sorted and placed into the appropriate pocket (or recycle bin). This simple step has seriously reduced the clutter on my kitchen counters.

Now for the more challenging parts for me: taking the action. I am working on conditioning myself to go through my action items at least once a week. I'm trying to get it to where nothing stays in that pocket for more than a week. This is a tough one for me, especially since some of the items in there are for Steve and I'm not sure he's fully with me on this one yet.

The other component of taking the action is actually doing the scanning and shredding. I had a lot of old documents that needed shredding. I spent yesterday doing that. It really didn't take me that long (I should have done it long ago)! I was able to do it while Madelynn napped. But, the scanning is a different story. Not only am I trying to keep up with the paperwork as it comes in, I also need to go back and scan all the old items I have. As I mentioned in the title, I am going paper-free (as possible).

Yesterday I spent a couple of hours scanning the papers in my scan pocket. It took me so long because I am still trying to figure out a quick and easy way of doing it. I sorted the papers based on whether they were one page, back to back, or booklets (manuals). Then I slowly started scanning them. Naming and organizing the documents was also time consuming. I don't think I have a solution for that as of yet. Also, it was frustrating because once I finished scanning, my shred pocket was filled up again! Grrr! I hope to eventually have it down to a science and be able to just do them both at the same time. We'll see.

After scanning & shredding yesterday.

Today I decided to bring my scanner upstairs (thank goodness for wireless and a techie husband). I am scanning old documents on and off through out the day. It's working well. The kids play, I have laundry going and I'm scanning. I thought the kids would try to pull at the cords but they're pretty uninterested in it with their toys around.

Today's workstation.

I have many many more boxes and bags of papers to scan (my goal is to scan all of my teacher papers as well). But I do feel as though I am making progress. Now I need to condition myself to keep it up. Wish me luck!

The best big sister

I feel so blessed that Madee adjusted to her little brother so well.  Right off the bat she fell in love with him.  She was excited from day one.  One of her first words was "Bubba".  We never intended to call him that, but it quickly developed into his name.  He's Bubba! 

He is now able to bathe with Madee.  I am so grateful for this!  But, honestly, I think Madee is more grateful.  Every night after dinner I ask her "Are you ready for a bath-bath?"  Every night she points at m and says "Bubba?"  I say, "You want Bubba to take a bath with you?" Every time she smiles and nods yes. 

Tonight I was just filled with love watching the two of them together.  When m is not in the tub Madee takes over the entire tub with her pretend play.  But, when Bubba's with her she's very gentle.  She mostly sits and plays while he's in the bath.  Tonight she sat with him and just talked to him.  She was so animated, because she realized he was beginning to talk back.  She was smiling and getting close to him, leaning down so they were face to face and just talking away.  (Those of you who know Madee personally know that she has her own special language, which Steve refers to as "Madarin").  Her Bubba couldn't get enough of it.  He was smiling and babbling right back.  It was so freaking cute!

Later after she made some water for herself to drink, she made sure to share it with Bubba.  She also gave him some toys to play with.  She "washed" his hair and his body for him.  She's such a little caretaker.  She's not even 2!

Before m was born I sometimes felt so bad that I was having another baby so soon and taking away from Madelynn's alone time with mommy and daddy.  Someone told me that I'm giving her the gift of a sibling.  I knew she was right.  Now that I see it first hand, it just reaffirms it, every day!

Testing, testing...1, 2, 3

This is my first attempt at blogging from my phone. If this works I hope I can keep in the blogging habit a little easier.

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Well, I Did It

I let m sleep on his stomach last night.  And it worked like a charm.  He slept from 8:30 to 2:30.  Woke up, fed a ton, then slept until 7:30.  He normally wakes up 4-5 times a night!!  He hasn't slept for longer than 3 hours since he was a newborn.  He and I are both in the best moods today.  I did spend the first sleeping session checking the monitor every 2 minutes and had a terrible time falling asleep.  But, once I did (after his 2:30 feeding) I slept GREAT!  I haven't felt this good in a long time. m seems to be feeling the same way.  I guess I'm going to have to let go of my fears and let him sleep the way he likes best.

To Stomach Sleep or Not to Stomach Sleep...

I know millions of babies have slept on their stomachs and lived.  I also know that putting your baby onto his back to sleep is the safest.  But what do you do when you have a baby who HATES to sleep on his back? 

m didn't always hate to sleep on his back.  He used to do it just fine, when he was swaddled.  Now that I no longer swaddle him, we have problems.  He doesn't mind sleeping on his side, and I don't mind letting him do it either.  He likes to lay on his side and have me pat his back while he falls asleep.  The problem is, he doesn't stay that way.

Unfortunately, he inherited his father's muscle spasms/weird jerking thing as he falls asleep.  Steve has mastered the art of sleeping through it (although it sometimes wakes me up).  m has not mastered this art yet.  As he falls asleep his arm or leg jerks and he wakes up again.  Sometimes this happens right away and I can get him back to sleep.  Other times it happens later and I'm not there anymore.  Usually when it happens he ends up rolling onto his back and the screaming cycle begins.  Sometimes he'll roll himself onto his side again and manage to fall back asleep (this is rare though).  Usually he just kicks and screams until I come in to save him.

The other thing that happens is after he's fallen completely asleep he rolls onto his back.  He usually wakes up from this and once again the screaming cycle begins.  Last week after spending nearly an hour trying to beat this cycle and get him to nap, I finally thought, I'm going to put him onto his stomach and see what happens.  Well, he protested for all of 3 seconds, fell right to sleep and slept for an hour!  I'm lucky when I get a 30 minute nap out of him.

Cut to last night.  After two hours of screaming, I tried rocking him to sleep, nursing him to sleep, patting him to sleep, snuggling him to sleep, but nothing was working.  I also gave him ibuprofen (he's got 4 teeth coming in right now; his gums are so swollen it looks like his teeth are going to pop through the front of his gums!)  Steve stepped in and tried to help but couldn't get him to sleep either.  Finally I decided to lay him on his tummy.  Once again, a few seconds of protest, then sound asleep.

Meanwhile, I'm sitting at the edge of the bed watching him and drifting off to sleep myself.  I was desperately trying not to fall asleep so that I could turn him over when I knew he was sound asleep.  After about 15 minutes I was able to turn him over.  Of course, it woke him up again but only briefly and thankfully mommy got a few hours of sleep before he woke up again.  It was great.

I don't know what to do though.  I'm terrified to let him sleep on his stomach but I know that's how he sleeps best.  I'm told that while you should always put baby down on his back to sleep, once he starts rolling onto his stomach in his sleep it's okay to leave him.  He can roll over just fine, but he won't roll himself onto his stomach in his sleep.

What to do, what to do?

A New Year...will I blog?

I keep meaning to blog.  I had a GREAT idea for something that I wanted to blog about the other day.  Did I do it?  NO.  Do I remember what it was?  NO!  So there goes that great blog.  Then I get to this point where I feel like I haven't blogged in so long, it's pointless to do it again.  So I don't.  I still want to though.  So, enough is enough.  Here I go, in 2011, back to blogging.  I hope I have some interesting things to talk about.

I'll get started with this gem...I dropped my phone in the sink.  Yep, I got a new phone A MONTH ago and ruined it already!  I've never dropped a phone in the sink.  I'm very frustrated with myself.  I don't even know if I'm going to get a new one or not.  Ugggg! *Consider this your notification that if you've texted or called me within the past few days, I have not received it!*

Also, Steve hit a tire coming back from California in my car.  Luckily the damage isn't that bad and no one was hurt.  So glad it was him and not me though.  I always do stuff like that.  It's about time he do it too!

Some good things, M plays peek-a-boo with m now.  It's the cutest thing you ever did see!  Also, m snorts like a bull now.  It's also the cutest thing ever.  Steve reminded me that he used to do this as a baby when he was frustrated.  m does it all the time though, which I think is cuter.

We took the babies to California to see their grandparents.  While the ride home wasn't the best, the trip was nice.  It was great to see my SIL, Stephanie.  She was so excited to meet m.  She's a cuddler so he fell in love with her right away.  That boy loves to cuddle.

Upcoming events, M turns two!  I can't wait!